Fantastic 4 Achieves the Nearly Impossible *SPOILERS*

I'll cut to the chase - Fantastic 4: Rise of the Silver Surfer somehow managed to be worse than the first movie. The original was bad in that hokey, eye-rolling way - the jokes were lame, it struggled to set things up, the characters were awkward, etc. It had you leaving the theatre saying, "Wow, they really could have made that much better." So when the sequel somehow managed to see the bar it needed to clear and instead chose to bulldozed right through it, you left the theatre asking, "What the hell is wrong with this creative team?!"

For the record, my friend Blake and I went to this installment knowing full well it wasn't going to be high art. We were compelled to go because we had to see it for ourselves, but we fully expected that it would be at least somewhat better than the first. People normally learn from their mistakes and improve upon them, so this would have to be better, right? But to our own amazement, we were wrong (very wrong!) and the question of Rise of the Silver Surfer wasn't even "how" but rather surprisingly "why". The "how" was blatantly obvious. The "why" will forever remain unknown.

Consider a fanfic story and think about the kind of lame dialogue and antics that might take place. Now, translate that to the big screen and you have this movie, a poorly crafted, ill-conceived train wreck that made the wrong choice at almost every turn. For example, a typical fanfic might have that crazy power-swapping phenomenon where the characters find themselves awkwardly out of character wielding a power they are not used to. That MIGHT be amusing for a scene. MIGHT. So why did Tim Story and company choose to craft an entire movie around this weak device? Johnny Storm possessed every one's individual powers at least once and then in the end defeats a returned Dr. Doom as an uber-Johnny (who I refer to as Johnny Thunder-Storm) that possesses all four powers at once - flying through the sky while invisible, hurling fireballs and rock-fisted punches, then wrapping up Doom with his spandex-type body, courtesy of Mr. Fantastic. Or there is Sue Storm catching fire, burning off all her clothes and once again ending up naked on the streets of New York. (Yes, I understand that this is Jessica Alba that we're talking about and while that IS the point, its not the entire point.) We've seen it before and the joke is tired.

Or how about the fact that this entire movie was literally sold out to the highest bidder? This installment completely jumped the shark for me when Reed Richards' "fantasti-car" was built with none other than a Dodge Hemi engine under the hood and Dodge logos affixed to the all the seats (and the grill). The clever dialogue chosen to accompany it: Johnny: "Is that a Hemi?" Reed: "Of course!" *ugh*

At least the title of the film was appropriate. The Silver Surfer was very cool and very well done, proving that Tim Story's skull isn't completely filled of dog poop and that he didn't have to make this film so terrible. The problem was that this was a Fantastic 4 movie and not a Silver Surfer movie. So why then is it that the Silver Surfer defeats Galactus instead of our bumbling heroes? If you removed the Silver Surfer from this movie, a few things happen (or rather don't happen). First, there is no power-swapping. Second, Victor Von Doom doesn't return to his old form. And finally, the Fantastic 4 get absolutely boned by Galactus.

The Silver Surfer did ALL of the heavy lifting in this movie and proved to be a much more entertaining character than any of our hapless heroes. So in that regard, not only did the Silver Surfer rise, he stole the show! But that's ok, because someone needed to.

One aspect of the Silver Surfer / Galactus relationship raises questions too. Why would Galactus empower a minion with the power to turn around and destroy it? If it is indeed that easy, why would the Silver Surfer continue to serve Galactus if it was only to spare his homeworld? Wouldn't he just kill Galactus and call it a day? Anyone? Anyone? ... Beuhler?

I'll be honest - I don't understand how anyone older than 10 years old would find this movie legitimately entertaining (aka not simply watching to make fun of it or see how bad it is). Even for a comic book movie, a genre often judged with a different set of criteria, Fantastic 4: Rise of the Silver Surfer is bad. Consider that the X-Men and Spiderman franchises were crafted much more competently and were infinitely more entertaining. Consider that Batman Begins exists! Not the fairest of comparisons, but the point remains - comic book movies don't have to be garbage. And to top it all off, F4's antics were fused with a heavy-handed lesson: we all get to choose.

Yeah, and Tim Story CHOSE to make a horses**t movie. 2/10